What Do You Believe to Be True About Yourself?
Whether you’re about to meet someone new for the first time or you’ve been invited to attend an interview, noticing the thoughts you have about yourself can influence how you might show up for a meeting with a stranger, including for an interview.
I recently watched Ben Fogle’s “New Lives in the Wild”. In the programme, Ben asked a former chemistry professional whether he saw his glass as half full or half empty. The guy answered neither, as the cup is half full of liquid and half full of air. I thought it was a good answer, but it also made me think how our perception and interpretation of the world has a strong influence on how we relate to our surroundings and respond to a situation.
Then I reflected on my life, thinking about the times when I made a decision to change the direction of my life, such as re-locating somewhere new or ending a relationship that wasn’t right for me. I realised that when deciding what to do next with my life I felt a degree of nerves, but overall it was liberating, empowering and I’d felt a sense of freedom, as I was in control and I made conscious choices to bring new changes into my life.
In my work as a careers consultant, where I coach people who are at risk of losing their jobs or have lost their jobs, this is different. When change is imposed on us, it can be very stressful. For many people, I notice there is a resistance that comes up, which can erupt in the form of anger, shock or denial that this is really happening. Some people try to push away their feelings, but avoidance can lead to stress and irritability. Unwanted change can be a painful process and people experience suffering.
Some people welcome change, realising that they had stayed within their comfort zone for too long. Actually, that change was the kick up the proverbial backside they needed to let go of the rope they’d been holding on to and see what else was out there for them to explore. When change happens to us and we see ourselves in a worst situation than before, the amount of trust we have in our own ability to cope with change plays a pivotal part in managing transition.
I notice that people’s level of distress can be exacerbated by their beliefs or stories attached to the situation. For example, I remember when I was working in a very low paid job and I felt embarrassed about my situation. I was judging myself, I worried about what my friends and acquaintances thought about me. Shame can contribute feelings of low self-worth when out of work or taking a job much lower than you are capable of. Worry about what people think in relation to job status can make it harder to come to terms with transitioning. It was my dad who said to me, “it doesn’t matter what work you do, just do it with pride”. So I held my head high and focussed on doing what I needed to do to survive in the interim.
Job losses and a harsh economic climate can impact on confidence levels and self-esteem. A number of people have said to me during this Covid-19 crisis that all the jobs they see advertised which they are capable of doing are much lower paid than their previous jobs, so they decide not to apply. I can hear anger or frustration in their tone, which is understandable, especially if you’ve become an expert in your field earning a good income only to find that the work is no longer there. Give yourself time to grieve and heal from the loss.
I’ve had some people ask me why recruiters aren’t contacting them when they have registered with an agency or submitted an application. Unfortunately, recruiters are very busy people and not all of them are able to follow up with job candidates. I am not excusing their behaviour, and I have experienced this myself when I was job hunting and found some recruiters weren’t responsive at all. However some coaches remark that, “you can’t change others, you can only change yourself”. If recruiters or people you think are helping you let you down, it’s understandable that you might feel anger and upset, but realise that, ultimately, recruiters aren’t responsible for meeting your goals. Placing expectations on ourselves and others to behave in a certain way can contribute to our level of unhappiness. When situations or relationships aren’t unfolding in the way we want, this creates tension. It is human nature to have wants and desires, but I’ve increasingly become aware of the importance of taking a step back and noticing our emotions and needs, which can help to take the sharp edges off the suffering we might be experiencing.
This is why mindfulness appeals to me, as it brings awareness through curiosity about how we feel and how we relate to a situation. Coming to terms with the circumstances we find ourselves in can help to diffuse the reactionary response of resisting change. Just because we come to terms with an imposed change doesn’t mean we are being complicit that this is a change we want. But there are times in our lives where unforeseeable changes might take place, such as death of a loved one, a redundancy, and receiving bad news, where allowing ourselves time to accept the situation as it presents itself can ease the tension between the discourse of what we want to happen and what is actually happening.
When you are feeling anxious, angry or in despair, what is there beneath these feelings?
When I ask myself the above question, I notice that behind the distress there is silence, nothingness, a sense of peace.
I believe that tuning into ourselves and noticing the stillness within by taking a pause, whether through meditation, yoga, spending time in nature, etc., you experience that moment of peace. The part of you that knows when you aren’t driven by emotions, there is calm and connection with your sense of self that isn’t overwhelmed by external circumstances.
Take deep breaths to calm your body and mind, acknowledge how you feel, be compassionate to yourself by engaging in self-care activities to show yourself kindness and bring yourself back to balance. You may notice that your inner wisdom will reveal itself to you in the form of hope and possibilities. Letting go of what was to make way for the vibrant energy of what’s to come.
