How to Overcoming Not Feeling Good Enough
I recently had a conversation with a client. As I listened to her, my intuition was telling me how kind and loving she is, yet she didn’t recognise this herself. I had a visual image of a girl trying to hold an armful of jigsaw pieces. These jigsaw pieces represented parts of herself she hadn’t reclaimed, in different shapes and sizes. They laid on the floor and she looked at them with despair and overwhelm. She sees herself as broken and feels a sense of despair.
I have noticed this in a number of women I’ve coached. Like a jigsaw puzzle with missing pieces, they are heart-centred and caring women but they feel unlovable and as though something is wrong with them. That they aren’t enough. There’s a sense of sadness and disappointment.
It may be that when they were younger they developed the belief that they weren’t enough from experiences at home, by judgments and comments made by their parents. Perhaps it came from being around people at school or the way they experienced life, leading to feelings of inadequacy. They might have a strong desire to connect with people, and yet at the same time feel they don’t fit in. They may have been called “too sensitive” or “weird”.
Feeling not good enough and doubting yourself can play out in the relationships you have, particularly in intimate relationships where you might question whether you are good enough for your potential partner. Sometimes you might push away from them because of fear of really being seen. You may question and get anxious about relationships, especially if you really care about that person. Sometimes your behaviour might be erratic, where you bring somebody close and then push them away. You may constantly ask for advice and guidance on what to do.
In work, you might feel insecure, believing that you don’t deserve your position or that another person is better than you. It may be that you are doing really well at work but experiencing imposter syndrome, fear that you might be found out for being a fake and not as good at your job as you appear. Some women climb the career ladder but find themselves reaching an upper limit where their thoughts about themselves undermine their confidence to go further in their careers.
Is This Your Story?
It isn’t always about picking up the scattered pieces of the jigsaw puzzle and putting it back together so it becomes whole. Recognising that there are different parts of yourself and learning to accept and value who you are takes practise. This is why deep and meaningful intimate relationships can be very scary. When you are with a person who wants to get to know you, having to show up as yourself can make people feel exposed and vulnerable. In your working life, you might play a certain role and reveal only parts you want the world to see.
Recognising that you are okay as you are and start by taking small steps to treat yourself with kindness and gentleness. This will help you to feel better about yourself, which can have a ripple effect in all areas of your life.
There are lots of ways you can learn to love yourself. I have listed some of them below:
· Make yourself a priority by engaging in self-care and carrying out activities that make you feel good. If you prioritise everyone else’s needs above your own or completely neglect your own needs and find yourself feeling exhausted, overwhelmed and resentful, it may be time to re-assess the amount of energy you spend on others, so that you can replenish your energy levels and feel good from within. For example, pamper yourself, have a relaxing bath, or go to yoga or dance class. Making yourself a priority isn’t about being selfish, but showing some self-appreciation and self-respect.
· Notice the language you use when referring to yourself. Do you compare yourself to others? Are you self-deprecating all the time? Or do you berate yourself out loud for making a mistake, being too slow, or being a little foolish? Noticing the language you use on yourself and changing your self-talk as if you are speaking to a good friend is a great way of showing some self-respect.
· Regularly practising meditation can help you to notice when thoughts arise and learn to not become attached to the thought. If you have a tendency to be self-critical or to berate yourself, then meditation may help. The Insight Timer app has lots of meditations so you may choose ones on self-compassion or self-acceptance.
· Comparing yourself to others can serve a purpose, it can make you realise what it is that you want for yourself. It can inspire action, for example, in sports you might compare yourself to your opponent and this can drive you towards being more competitive or rising to a challenge. However, for many people who already don’t feel good about themselves, it can make them feel inferior, envious or insignificant when they compare themselves to someone who might seem to have it all — the looks, the luxury lifestyle and enough happy Instagram pictures to fill a gallery.
· Social media may show gloriously glittered and glamorous lifestyles, but these are snapshots of people’s lives and may not be a complete representation of how the person lives or feels about their experiences. When you compare, you are judging the other person and yourself, which can create a disconnect between yourself and others. If you are constantly judging, this may trigger a response such as making a snide comment or shying away from people. Recognising your behaviours, habits and patterns, then making a conscious choice on how you choose to be is the first step to making a change. Like a muscle, have you noticed that when you are feeling sad or depressed your energy contracts? It can feel heavy or deflated, but when your spirits are high you literally feel expansive and open. Take one small action that lifts your spirit. You’ll feel it in your body.
The greatness doesn’t lie within others but in how you choose to view yourself. Start from the premise that you are enough, just as you are. Show yourself some self-love by treating yourself in a way that honours what it means to be enough. You’re here. You exist. Define how you want to live and celebrate your life. As the song title in The Greatest Showman sums it up, “This is Me”.
