Held Back By Not Feeling Good Enough? Showing Up For Yourself
I was coaching a young, talented and intelligent client on how she declined a job opportunity as she was too afraid. As we delved further to discover what she was fearful of, she quietly whispered “I fear not being good enough, that I might be found out for not being what they (the employer) hoped for”. I have heard a number of women express this — the fear of not being good enough. It shows up in different guises. At work, you might experience imposter syndrome, scared of being found out by others for being a fraud, or not being as competent as others perceive you to be.
Fear of failing or being found out for being incompetent could drive you to turn down potential work opportunities, because the unknown seems too risky. You worry whether you are capable enough to do the work, so it’s easier to say no to new challenges than to take the risk. You feel safer with the familiarity of your existing work, though this could deny you from revealing your potential. Perhaps you strive for perfection at work, showing meticulous attention to detail and are consistently recognised for your ability to deliver, but you often have to sacrifice your own wellbeing or feel stressed and anxious to achieve.
Maybe you find temporary validation through extrinsic rewards. You’re a high achiever and value credibility by getting recognition through awards and recommendations, and you’ve done training and obtained a list of qualifications as long as your arm. Whilst you take pride in this, it still doesn’t seem to be enough. You work hard all the time, perhaps in a caring role or constantly pleasing others. You want to come across as a good person and may sacrifice your own needs or self-care to prioritise everyone else. It could show up in relationships, rejecting potential partners so that they don’t reject you first, or keeping people at a distance for fear of being seen or found out in some way.
Not feeling good enough can make people feel ashamed, inadequate, judged, small and insignificant. You may judge your own worth based on a measuring stick of what you deem as either good or not to standard.
The belief of not being good enough may have formed from an early age, and it can be hard to let go of old beliefs. If letting go is too hard, be aware of the belief and recognise that some beliefs are assumptions we’ve formed in the past. In the present moment, you get to make new choices and it is through these new choices you effectively sow new seeds for the future.
Becoming aware of this belief and how the patterns play out in your life is the first step. By recognising it, you can then consciously ask yourself the following questions:
- What is the belief I have?
- How is this belief showing up in my life?
- What are the consequences of having this belief?
- What is the choice I choose to make?
- How would life be if I made that choice?
- How would it make me feel?
Having the belief of not being good enough could have several benefits. If you compete in sports for example it could be a motivator for you to work harder. However, for some people comparing yourself to others could be demotivating, as you might resign yourself to the idea that others are better than you. By being aware of your behaviours and whether or not they serve you, you can make a decision on how to respond to a situation.
A quote I really like from psychologist and meditation teacher Sonja Velic is “authenticity has no rivals”.
I once coached an artist who taught art to older adults. She mentioned how some of the students would say, “I am doing this wrong”, because they were comparing their work to what it should look like in their mind. They had an existing image of what ‘good’ looked like. The artist believes this takes away originality, because you are always comparing your work to that which has been done before. The artist instead encouraged her students by asking, “are you enjoying it?” Because that was what really mattered. I felt the artist’s explanation was very relevant for people who try new things.
Often, when people do something outside of their comfort zone, such as starting their own business, anxiety in the form of not feeling good enough can arise, the self-doubt, critical and judgmental self that worries about being incompetent or failing. Don’t be afraid of making mistakes. By letting go of trying to get things right, it’s far more pleasurable to focus on whether the activity brings you excitement/joy. This facilitates creativity and expansiveness to explore different possibilities.
Place a hand on your heart and breathe deeply. Ask yourself, “from today, what acts of loving kindness can I show myself?” Be gentle. Showing yourself self-compassion can help towards lessening the feelings of not being good enough. For resources on self-compassion visit Dr Kristin Neff website: https://self-compassion.org/self-compassion-kristin-neff/
